


Love is not a sin

by The_Girl_Who_Watched_TV



Category: The Terror (TV 2018)
Genre: Harlots AU, M/M, implied harry goodsir/thomas blanky, james has some self worth issues, thomas blanky is once again a good wingman, time period is more or less the same as in the show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:35:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22121920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Girl_Who_Watched_TV/pseuds/The_Girl_Who_Watched_TV
Summary: James Fitzjames is a harlot. One night a new customer arrives and everything changes.
Relationships: Captain Francis Crozier/Commander James Fitzjames
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for 'The Terror Fan Bingo' over on tumblr with the prompt: Body Worship

James Fitzjames was considered handsome. Even beautiful. Which is why he was sat in a lavishly decorated room filled with people mingling about, whispering obscenities into each other’s ears as their hands wandered to places that were not meant to be shared with another in public. This wasn’t strictly in public, this was a place for unspeakable things. Where people could indulge in pleasures deemed immoral. Most men who came here had a wife at home, children even. But the thrill of the forbidden kept them coming back. James could feel the looks on him, he was used to it by now but deep down he still felt self-conscious. The looks ranged from fascination to disgust to apparent arousal at the sight of him. No matter the look they gave him it ended in the same way, him with his dress pushed away and being fucked roughly.

Francis hesitated before he entered the building. He’d been invited by his friend, who thought he needed to loosen up and live a little. They both had the same leanings but neither felt more than friendship towards one another. There might have been a drunken fumble once or twice, but they both decided that friendship was the only thing between them. He wasn’t ashamed about who he was but to enter a place like this. Maybe that’s a step too far. He’d never paid for sex before, but he had to admit that it had sounded fascinating. He’d reluctantly accepted the invitation and now here he was. He sighed and rang the bell, better get this over with.

James observed a young man who kept glancing at him and then quickly turned away when he met James’ eyes. James rolled his eyes, there was always one. They seemed all shy at first but as soon as they’d made their mind up and James offered himself to them, they changed. Many of them got overexcited and were spent after only a couple minutes. Sometimes James particularly enjoyed playing up his own pleasure. Some enjoys it more than they will admit and quickly rushes out of the room, red in the face. James chuckles to himself. Some get confused that James could possibly enjoy them taking him in such a fashion. They always speed up to get it over with. He watches as the young man edges closer. In an hour he might actually be close enough for me to actually talk to him. James thinks to himself as he waves alluringly at the man, who once again quickly turns away. Or maybe not.

Francis looked around the room, there were so many people. People who seemed oblivious to the world around them as they kissed and pawned at each other. Several young men tried to catch his eye, but he kept looking around the room until he saw him. At first he was confused, why would they have a woman here. He thought it was exclusively for men like himself. Francis moved closer to get a good look and was shocked to see that it wasn’t a woman. That it was in fact a man in a dress. He looked the man over. His dress covered his ankles and there was only a slight hint of a pair of high heels under it. His hands were delicately placed in his lap. Long, slender fingers occasionally rubbing at the hand underneath. Francis finally reached his face and saw a pair of tastefully coloured lips, eyes with a colour that he couldn’t determine at this distance and a pair of lines on his cheeks, that framed his face beautifully. His black hair carefully curled into soft curls that rested on his shoulders.

“Quite a thing of beauty, don’t you agree, sir?” Francis was startled by a woman’s voice piercing through his thoughts.

“What, um. Yes, I suppose.” He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know what he felt.

“Why don’t you take this man upstairs and show him how good you are dear.” She had turned to the man in the dress and stretched out a hand to help him get up from his seat. The man nodded and took Francis hand in his when he reached him. And began to gently lead him upstairs. What have I gotten myself into, Francis thought to himself as he let himself be led up the stairs by a man in a dress.

James looked at the man who had begun to approach him. He’d never seen him here before. He looked rugged but not ugly, only marked by the life he’d led he assumed. He seemed quite stern, his face determined. But James was surprised to see the man’s face softening as he looked James over. He sat as still as he could, as he watched his employer approach the man. He knew the procedure, she’d convince the man to buy his services and he’d take it from there. When he was asked to show the man upstairs he nodded slightly and began to lead him to his room. He saw the young man look at them with disappointment. He smiled at him and blew him a kiss with his free hand. The young man ducked down and disappeared into the crowd.

They reached their destination and the man in the dress opened the door and let Francis step in before him and he closed the door softly behind them. The man walked past him with a slight sway on his hips and sat down at the edge of the bed. He was smiling at him. Francis didn’t know what to do. He’d slept with men before but something about this man made him hesitate. He was being stupid, he should just do it. But the more he looked at him the more he wanted to get to talk to him, to be in his presence. He scolded himself, this is silly. You are not a schoolboy, and yet there he stood. Unable to speak and move. Just looking at the man before him.

James had never felt as exposed as he did right now. Most men had him up against the wall or pushed to his knees as soon as they reached the room. But not this man, this man just stands there, looking at him. He doesn’t know what to do with this, does he want him to take the lead? Is he about to attack him? There have been violent men in his past, but they hurt him as they were fucking him.

“So, where do you want me?” James made a sweeping hand gesture.

“Er…” The man looked around the room. His eyes landed on the bed and he jerked his head towards it. At last, James thought with relief as he hiked up his skirts slightly as he lay down. But the man just stayed in place, looking at him intently. James stretched out his hand towards him.

“I don’t bite, unless you want me too.” James cringed as he heard himself utter those clichéd words. But they seemed to work as the man took a few steps forward. As he was about to take James hand he turned around and bolted out the door. James looked after him in bewilderment. Well that’s never happened before.

Francis paid the woman he’d talked to earlier and hurried out the door and onto the streets of London. He ended up at his friends home, banging on the door. Thomas Blanky opened the door and let Francis barge in.

“I went to that place you suggested.” Francis said as he sat down in an armchair, not waiting for an invitation.

“Ah yes, and now you’ve come to thank me?” Thomas grinned  
“How was it?”

“It wasn’t.” Francis grumbled.

“What do you mean, it wasn’t?” Thomas asked confused as he too took a seat.

“I mean it wasn’t. Because I couldn’t.” Francis spoke as if he had to pay by the word and Thomas tried to figure out what he meant.

“You mean you couldn’t.” He made a gestured towards Francis crotch and looked at him with sympathy.

“What!? No.” Francis shot up, he might not be a young man anymore but there was nothing wrong with him when it came to raising to the occasion.

“Then what’s the problem? Don’t tell me you didn’t fancy anyone.” Thomas looked amused as Francis seemed to still be insulted by his insinuation that he might not be able to get it up.

“Oh I fancied someone alright. I just couldn’t get myself to bed him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Have I ever had a problem getting someone into bed?” Thomas scoffed at the slight bragging.

“You never bedded me.”

“I would never, I know you want a ring on that finger first and I’m not ready for that.” They always joked around like this. They’d known each other for so long and so intimately that they felt like an old married couple.

“Then tell me about him.” Francis sat down again and rubbed his hands through his hair.

“He has dark hair, softly curled, down to his shoulders. And he has these incredible lines going down his cheeks.” He stroked his own face with his fingers, along a pair of invisible lines.  
“It should have made him look ugly, scarred, but it didn’t. He’s beautiful. And his hands and fingers…” He trailed of and looked at Thomas who looked back at him with a quirked eyebrow.

“So, you’re in love. Congratulations.”

“Oh, stop it.” Francis frowned, love. Ridiculous, he doesn’t even know the man.

“Look, I don’t know what it is you’re feeling. And clearly you don’t either. So, I say, go back. Go back and try again.”

“Hmm…” He knew that it was the sensible thing to do. He didn’t like it, but he had to do it.  
“You’re right. Thank you.”

“I’m always right. Do you want me to come with you? Hold your hand?” Thomas grinned as Francis rolled his eyes.

“Oh, bugger off.” Thomas laughed heartily and was soon joined by Francis.

Two evenings passed before James saw that man again. He did the same thing he’d done then, laid on the bed. Inviting the man to join him. But once again the man just stood there looking at him. James propped himself up on his elbow and looked back at him.

“What’s your name.” James was surprised to hear the other man speak.

“James Fitzjames.”

“Your real name.” James looked away, focusing on the flowers on his vanity.

“That is my real name.” It was made up but not by him. And he had worn it all his life, so why change it. He felt it suited his occupation. A name made from fantasy, and a man made of fantasy.

“I apologise, I thought… Never mind what I thought. I am sorry.” James looked back at the man. The man kept on surprising him, no cull had ever apologised to him. Come to think of it, no one had wanted to speak with him before or after they had gotten what they wanted. They were out the door as soon as they were able to tuck themselves back in and they never looked back at the mess they had made.

“No, it’s fine.” The man smiled at him. He actually smiled, it wasn’t a big smile. Just a small tug at the corners of his mouth. James couldn’t help but give a crooked smile as he turned his face away.

“I’m Francis. Francis Crozier.”

“Francis.” James said with a small nod.

“Now, why don’t you join me?” James said, once again trying to get Francis to do what he should have been doing all along.

“No thank you. I thought me might talk instead. If you don’t mind.” James sat up. Talk? Francis wanted to talk to him. Why? He’d paid for him, surely he could find someone to talk to without paying them. But he felt himself nodding in agreement.

“Tell me about yourself, James.” James looked at him suspiciously as Francis sat down on the bed next to him.

“I’m not that interesting.”

“Come now, I find that hard to believe. Indulge me.” James sighed.

“I’m a harlot, the stories I could tell you would shock and disgust you. Are you sure you don’t want to do something more…” He trailed off and teasingly lifted his dress, showing his ankle. Francis looked at him with such an intense glare that James quickly dropped his dress back down and sat up straight.

“Well you asked.” He muttered before continuing.

“I was born out of wedlock. My father had an affair and I was raised by other people. My name, that you thought was made up. Is in fact made up. Ridiculous name that it is, I kind of like it.” James stopped himself. He hadn’t meant to say that. He never talked about his past. Especially not where he came from.

“I never would have guessed.” James scowled at him. He felt uncomfortable, and Francis earnest face and tone of voice made him more so. This was so far away from his usual working nights as you could come.

“Why would you? Now tell me something about yourself. Although I doubt you could match my confession.” He’d gotten defensive now.

“I’m a captain, I’ve just come back from an expedition.” Francis said casually. James looked at him intrigued. The sea. The sea had always fascinating him, the open water, the freedom, the possibilities.

“What’s it like? Being at sea?” Francis looked curiously at James.

“Have you ever been at sea, James?”

“I came here from Brasil. That’s where I was born. But I have not been on a ship since.” James looked down at his lap.

“The sea is my life. I don’t know what I’d be without it. It’s alive, ever changing but still the same. It’s like nothing else I’ve ever faced.” Francis looked into James eyes, seeing something that made him want to whisk him away on a ship. To show James the wonders of the world. James was the one to break their eye contact. He rose from his position on the bed.

“I’m sorry to say that the time is up, unless you want to…” He trailed off again. It wasn’t true, Francis could stay for as long as he liked if he paid. But he felt conflicted, on the one hand he wanted to be used. For Francis to do what he’d paid for. On the other he didn’t want to ruin whatever this was. The conversation they’d had. He’d only met the man once before and yet he’d opened up to him. He needed time to reflect.

“I’d like to see you again.” Francis said as he stood up. He could tell that James was uncomfortable and he didn’t want to push it.

“I can’t really stop you.” James said, voice harsher than he’d intended. He wanted to meet Francis again. That never happens. If he never saw the same cull again, he was a happy man. But Francis is different. Francis didn’t seem to mind his tone as he put a hand on James shoulder on his way to the door.

“Goodbye, James.”

“Goodbye, Francis.” I’m in trouble, James thought to himself as the door closed behind Francis.

Francis felt better this time when he left the house. James seemed to be a complex man, feelings and desires hidden behind layers upon layers. Francis was determined to get through them and get to know the man, whatever the cost. He could be quite convincing when he wanted to be.

Francis came back the very next day. This time James just sat down on the bed, he didn’t try to seduce Francis. He hoped that Francis wanted to speak to him again. Maybe he could tell him more about his travels.

“Francis. Would you mind telling me more about your travels?” Francis looked at James in silence and he instantly regretted his question. He was about to take it back when Francis answered him.

“Of course. What would you like to know?” Francis gave him a lopsided smile and James felt himself relax.

“Where is your favourite place?” James looked intently at Francis. Francis pondered for a moment before answering.

“I don’t really have one. Honestly, the best thing about travelling the world is being out on the sea. To devote your entire being to find a safe passage, keeping up the spirit of the men and having good friends at your side.” He huffed. This was far too sentimental, but it was somewhat true. He couldn’t tell James that his favourite place was right here. Sitting with a harlot, talking about the sea.

“Oh.” Was all James could say. He wasn’t disappointed, far from it. He enjoyed hearing Francis talking about it. He seemed earnest and that was something James desperately needed in his life. No lies, just honesty.

“What do you like to do when you’re not working?” Francis broke the silence.

“Me? Well, I do enjoy a good book and I find nature really fascinating, I have a friend who brings me all of his discoveries.” James smiled.

“I see.”

James and Francis spent two hours talking about all and nothing, laughing mixed with heated arguments about this or that. Both becoming more and more relaxed in each other’s company. When it was time for Francis to go, their fingers might have brushed against each other as they both went to open the door at the same time. But neither acknowledged it. And they both might have smiled that night as they went to sleep, thinking about their conversation.

They saw each other several times that week. Every time much the same, they’d talk, argue and laugh. Then one day Francis told James that he’d be away for a couple of days, work obligations he simply couldn’t get out of. Much to his dismay. James reassured him that he’d be right there when he came back next time.

Later that week James finally saw Francis again. Not that he’d been waiting for him. Wanting to see him, missing him when he wasn’t there. It was simply nice to have someone to talk to. Someone that was clever and who didn’t mind his occasional stubbornness when it came to some subjects. James locked eyes with Francis across the room, Francis nodded at him and he made his way out the door, into the hallway.

“James.” Francis said in a deep low voice. It sent shivers down James spines to hear him say his name. He scolded himself. They would simply talk, that’s all they ever did. Francis does not desire him that way and that was fine. He cherished their conversations.

“Francis.” He did a little curtsy and went up the stairs with Francis right behind him. As soon as Francis closed the door behind them he stopped. Like he had that very first evening.

“Francis?” James looked worried. Normally they’d already be chatting away.

“James…” Francis said in barely a whisper as he reached out and pulled James closer. James barely let himself breath as he came close to Francis. He looked into Francis eyes as he felt hands softly touch his cheeks. Francis touched James’ lips slowly with his own in a light kiss before pulling away slightly. Looking at James, who had his eyes closed.

“Well, this is certainly different. James said quietly. Francis closed the gap between them again, this time properly kissing James. It took a few moments for James to relax and return the kiss properly, but when he did, he did so wholeheartedly. Wrapping his arms around Francis neck, getting their bodies closer together.

“On the bed.” Francis growled and James obliged. He laid down in his usual pose, on his back, knees bent, dress slightly raised. Inviting. He expected Francis to take him right there and then. But he didn’t, he stopped and watched him again. James furrowed his brow.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Shh.” Francis shushed him and finally made his way over to the bed. James tried to prepare himself for what was to come but he didn’t know what to expect, so he just laid there observing Francis as he climbed into bed beside him. Francis sat on his knees and he started to trace the hem of James’ dress, where his bosom would have been protruding if he’d been the lady he was pretending to be. His skin prickled at the occasional touch that Francis let slip onto his bare skin. James tried to reach out and touch Francis cock, but he swatted his hands away. James didn’t know what to do, but it was Francis’ money he told himself. Francis’ hand began to wander lower, his movement soft and light. He moved to position himself between James’ legs and he slowly slid the dress further up. Ah, here it comes. James thought to himself and felt disappointed, he found himself enjoying the soft touches and he wanted them to continue. That’s not why he’s here he told himself. But once again Francis did the unexpected. He gently lifted James’ right leg into the air. James eyebrows shot up, what on earth does he want me to do now?

“Do you wish for me to switch position?” He started to move but stilled when he felt Francis gentle hand on his stomach.

“No, just tell me if you want me to stop.” James drew in a sharp breath. He was thinking about what James wanted.

“Do you want me to stop?” Francis began to lower James’ leg.

“No!” James said too fast, and too desperate. But he’d meant it. Francis just smiled at him. He put James foot against his chest and started to roll his stocking down. Slowly, gently. As if it was the most important task in the world. He leant slightly backwards to slide the stocking all the way off and set James foot back on the bed. He did the same with the other one and James blushed slightly as he felt his cock hardened. He was just taking of his stockings for god’s sake.

“Stand up.” James did as he were told. Francis joined him and began to undress him. James once again tried to reach out and touch him. But Francis stepped back and took James’ hands in his.

“Stop.” James looked into Francis eyes, he didn’t know what it was he saw in them but it made him want to do whatever Francis wanted him to do. Whether he paid him or not. He nodded and his hands dropped to his sides when Francis let him go. Before he knew it, his dress dropped to floor. He didn’t know why but the feeling of it sliding against him, pooling at his feet made him shiver with pleasure. Francis must have noticed, for he went to stand behind him and he slid his hands down James’ arms and back up again. And then he put his hands around his waist and just held him. James could feel Francis breath on his neck and he closed his eyes to savour the moment of just being held. He felt cold when Francis let go to unlace his corset. But as soon as he felt Francis hands on his bare back he felt warm again and he sighed in contentment. Francis stepped back again. James was afraid he’d done something stupid, maybe he didn’t want James to enjoy it. He didn’t know what they were doing, so he didn’t know how to react in a way that may satisfy Francis.

“Turn around.” James turned to face him and was met by the still fully clothed Francis, looking at him from top to bottom. A smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“You’re beautiful.” He sounded so earnest that James was taken aback. Sure, he’d been told that he was beautiful before. But it was usually mixed with being called a whore, cunt or any other word they’d call a woman to degrade her. Never this.

“You don’t have to say that.” James said before he could stop himself. He knew he had something, but he thought it had more to do with the fact that he was a man in a dress, rather than him being actually desirable. Most of the men who came to him made him keep the dress on. Or at the very least his corset if they were overeager and ripped the dress from his body. Granted, that didn’t happen often. He’d never been stood naked in front of any of them. But Francis was different. He looked down, he hated that he felt insecure, he should be in control here. Even if he let other men do whatever they wanted to him, he was always in control. But he didn’t know what Francis wanted and he felt himself wanting to let go completely, to let Francis lead him wherever he wanted. And that scared him.

“Stretch out your arms.” He did as he said, and Francis walked behind him again. Then he felt Francis lips on his shoulder blades. He jumped slightly at the sudden touch and Francis paused for a moment before doing it again. He began to trail kisses along James’ outstretched arm until he reached his fingers. Then he kissed his way back up to his shoulder blade and did the same with his other arm. James took long deep breaths as he felt the cool air, dry Francis’ trail of kisses. When he finished kissing his arms, he slid his hands down James’ arms to get them to rest at his sides. Then he placed a final kiss at the base of his neck before going back to face him. James forced himself to look into Francis eyes. Francis broke their gaze first by getting closer and angling his head to kiss him softly on his Adam’s apple. James swallowed hard, making it bob up and down nervously. Francis chuckled quietly as he continued downwards, trailing his hands along James’ sides. His mouth found James’ nipples. When he took one of them into his mouth, James bit his lip to keep himself from moaning. Francis tongue played around it, teasing and with a last flick over it he kissed his way over to the other one. James chest heaved with the effort of keeping his sounds to a minimum. Without looking up or stopping, Francis reached up with one of his hands and ran his thumb roughly over James lower lip to release it. And with that James released a deep moan. Francis smiled and bit his nipple gently in response. Which made James moan again. Francis let go of his nipple and stood up straight again. Looking at James face, rubbing his thumbs over his nipples. James had his eyes closed, he didn’t want to open them this time. He was slightly embarrassed over what was happening to him. He wasn’t used to feeling like this. It wasn’t about his pleasure after all. Francis’ hands wandered up slowly to cup his cheeks. He felt Francis trace the lines on his face, the lines that marked him. That made him stand out. He was sure that it was the first thing people noticed. When he wasn’t wearing a dress that is. He’d never liked them, but as he opened his eyes and saw Francis face as he traced them, he felt that maybe they weren’t so bad. He put his hand over one of Francis’. He looked him in the eyes as he made a decision.

“Do…” Francis didn’t get any further until James closed their distance and kissed him again. Francis smiled as he kissed him back and began to push him back towards the bed. They broke apart to let James position himself on the bed, but he soon reached up to Francis to pull him back towards him. He had never wanted anyone this bad before. His cock hard and begging for attention. Francis broke free again and sat back to look at James again. James whined, he was far past being embarrassed now.

“I just want to look at you.”

“Please.” James begged. Francis actually looked surprised. He hadn’t expected him to beg. He had planned on giving James pleasure but to actually hear him beg for it. He felt his trousers getting tighter if it were even possible. He’d been hard for a long time, just seeing James enjoying what he was doing to him. But he would not get release until James had. He scooted down the bed and bent down and took James into his mouth. James eyes widened as he felt the warm wetness of Francis mouth on his cock. He grabbed the sheets with both hands as he tried to keep himself from thrusting into Francis mouth. He felt Francis tongue sweeping along his shaft with surprising skill.

“Francis.” He groaned. Francis paused and looked up at him, his mouth still full of James.

“Oh God!” James arched his back, he didn’t think that seeing Francis going down on him would make him even more eager for release but it did. Francis hummed and went back to pleasuring him. Suddenly he felt James tugging on his hair.

“I.. I’m close.” He realised that James tried to warn him to get out of the way. With a look he went back to licking and slightly sucking as one of hands wandered up to caress James chest.

“Francis.. I… you… need… ugh…” It was too late, James felt himself going over the edge and he couldn’t help but thrust in time with the waves of pleasure hitting him. His mind was blank as he rode it out. It wasn’t until the feeling started to ebb out that he realised that he’d just come _in_ Francis’ mouth.

“I’m.. Sorry. I…” He stopped himself as he saw Francis sit up and lick at his lips, he didn’t look disgusted. He looked pleased.

“Don’t.” Francis said and bent forward and kissed him. He could taste himself on Francis mouth, and it made him blush. He suddenly remembered that Francis probably needed tending to. He reached for the front of Francis trousers.

“Let me.” But as he’d been doing the whole evening, he swatted his hands away.

“I’ll do it myself.” He turned away to take care of it. He was used to doing it quickly and discreetly, having been on ships with hundreds of men for most of his life. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

“May… May I watch?” James said quietly. He’d never been particularly interested in seeing any of the men finishing, even if he was the one who did it for them. But he wanted to see Francis enjoy himself as he’d done just moments before. Francis turned around without a word and began to unbutton his trousers. He took himself in hand and began to gently stroke himself. James watched Francis face as he worked towards his own release. His face seemed harder than it had when he’d been pleasuring James, like this was just a chore. He reached out to still Francis’ hand.

“Please.” He looked at Francis with big, kind eyes. James smiled softly when Francis let go, giving James free access. He began to stroke him and he was pleased to see Francis’ features soften. Francis was remarkably quiet even as he neared release, James wanted to hear him but he didn’t want to push him. After a few more strokes, Francis suddenly spoke.

“Close.” James began to stroke him faster and captured Francis in a heated kiss. That did it, Francis groaned as he spilled over James hand. He held onto James as his orgasm ran through his body. James laid down and pulled Francis with him. Giving them a few minutes to gather their thoughts.

“No one’s ever done that before.” James said softly.

“What, spilling over your hands?” Francis sounded gruff but with a hint of teasing.

“Pleasuring me.” Francis turned his head to look at James, who in turn was staring up at the ceiling. 

“You deserved it.” Francis said softly as he reached out to hold James’ hand. James stiffened as he felt his heart leap in his chest. This was too intimate. He sat up, looked at Francis and got up from the bed, pulling a robe from the chair beside it. He put it on and held his arms protectively around his stomach.

“I’m a whore, a harlot. That’s what I’m here for. Nothing else.” He’d gone too far, he’d forgotten who they were to each other. Francis had confused him with their conversations, and now this. He would always be a harlot. Whatever this was it had to stop here.

“I meant what I said, you’re beautiful and you deserved it.” James whipped around, anger on his face.

“I’m paid to be beautiful. All this is for men to want to fuck me. I’m doing it for the money.” He wasn’t angry at Francis, he was angry at himself. How could he be so stupid? He’d actually let himself forget what he was. He felt trapped, the room was too small. He needed to be alone. Francis stood up and buttoned his trousers.

“Don’t say that. You don’t have to pretend, I understand what your work is. But you can’t tell me this was just pretend.” He went to pull James closer but he pulled away and crossed his arms over his chest. Staring out of the window, into the darkness.

“I’m a very good actor.” He sounded cold. He had to put distance between them. The best thing would be if Francis never came back. Francis retrieved his coat from where he’d carelessly tossed it when the evening began.

“You don’t fool me, James Fitzjames.” The next thing James heard was the door closing. He felt tears roll down his cheek as he made his way over to his bed. He pulled the blanket up and buried his face in his pillow as he began to sob. He was never supposed to feel things. 

A couple of weeks passed and James started to believe that Francis wasn’t coming back. He felt an ache in his stomach, he wasn’t sad that he wouldn’t see him again. Why would he be? He looked at the people in the room, all too occupied with their own pleasures to take notice of what was going on around them. No one had shown any interest in him this evening, and he was grateful. He didn’t feel like pretending tonight. Suddenly he stood up, he saw him. Francis had come back. Then the man turned around and showed his face. It wasn’t him. He sat back down again, scoffing at himself for acting like a blushing maid waiting for her fiancé to come visit her. If only this evening could be over.

Francis had spent the last two weeks trying to figure out what he had to do for James to understand that he saw him as more than a harlot, a whore. As he himself had put it. He’d actually started to fall for him. Their conversations lifted his spirit, James was not only handsome. He was clever too. Yes, at times he could be a right bastard, and Francis was sure that he sometimes just took on an opinion to spite Francis. To argue with him. But he enjoyed it. He thought that James would understand what he meant to him if he only focused on his pleasure. It seemed to have worked until James had suddenly turned vicious and more or less threw him out. He sank back into his chair as he continued to think.

A few days later Francis appeared again. James heart leapt in his chest. He ached to see him but he desperately searched for someone else to take him to his room. He couldn’t face him. He didn’t want to open himself up. Why did he have to come back? Finally someone approached him and he was soon whisked away to his room. He dared to glance back at Francis, instantly regretting it. He swallowed hard as he put on his mask for his cull. Smiling painfully.

He saw James being taken away by another man. It hurt, but he couldn’t blame him for that. It was his job. He walked back out again. He’d try again tomorrow.

This procedure continued for three days before he’d grown tired of it and spoke to James employer. It felt wrong but if he were to wait for James to stop being stubborn. Well, then he’d die before James let him near again. And he couldn’t allow that.

James looked murderous when his employer told him that Francis had bought his services. Why didn’t he give up? There are so many others, he could pick any one of them. But no, it had to be him. He reluctantly led Francis up the stairs and slammed the door behind them.

“Take me or get out, Francis.” He refused to look at him. Every second it took for Francis to do something hurt him. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, he wasn’t supposed to fall in love. Love. It was so stupid.

“Why must you be so damn stubborn?!” Francis voice was low and angry.

“Look at me! Look at where we are! I am a man in a dress. I let other men use me for money. That’s what I am. So, excuse me if I don’t believe you. You’ve paid for me too, this isn’t real. If anyone is stubborn. It’s not me!” James was breathing heavily, he hadn’t meant to lose his temper but he couldn’t hold it back anymore.

“I love you, you bastard.” This wasn’t how Francis had meant for it to come out. In fact he was almost changing his mind, James is by far the most stubborn, annoying man he’s ever met. But he made him happy. If only he could get that through his thick skull.

“Please, don’t say that.” James said softly, he’d suddenly lost all will to fight. To hear those words, knowing that they weren’t true. But aching for them to be. That was worse than anything he’d ever had to deal with before.

“Just go, don’t come back. Or choose someone else.” He went to his settee and drew up his knees to his chest as he sat down. Refusing to look at Francis. Waiting to hear the door slam. But it was quiet. He glanced in Francis direction and he saw him standing with his hands on his hips, looking down at the floor with a frown on his face. What was he waiting for?

“The first time I was here I ran out because I didn’t want to use you. Not because I was afraid or ashamed. I saw you and…” He struggled to come up with an explanation of what he’d felt. It wasn’t love at first sight, nor was it lust. He’d just wanted to take care of him. It sounded soppy but to hell with it.

“I wanted to care for you. You said that you are a good actor. But that’s not what I saw. I saw that you didn’t care what I’d do. I didn’t want to use that. So, I ran.” James had gone back to staring at the wall. But he was listening intently.

“I didn’t know what had come over me, but I eventually felt the need to come back. Not because I wanted to use you, but because I wanted to know you.” He’d come closer now, watching James carefully.

“And I found out that under that mask of yours, you’re stubborn, arrogant and very annoying.” James huffed at that. Francis paused, was he getting through to him?

“But I also found myself being fascinated by you. By who you are. You’re also thoughtful, kind and I believe that you feel more than you let on.” James looked up at the ceiling, willing his tears to stay back. How had Francis seen all of this? He’d been so careful not to let him in. Even if they’d talked, he’d avoided deeper subjects that could reveal more about him.

“I want to have you with me. Always. Not just in the evenings. I’m not going back to sea, I’m done with that. I’m ready to settle down. And I want to settle down with you, James.” Francis had finally reached James and he knelt beside him.

“Please, James.” James didn’t look at him. Several minutes passed as Francis waited for an answer. He’d waited for fifteen minutes when he decided that enough was enough. If this wasn’t what James wanted, then he’d respect his wishes and leave him alone. Even if it hurt him.

“I’ll go then. I really do love you James. But this will be our goodbye. As you wish.” He rose and went to the door. Looking at James one last time. He sighed as he closed the door behind him. So much for declaring his love. He balled his hands into fists, making his knuckles go white. On the other side of the door James looked at the closed door with tears streaming down his cheeks. What had he done?

He’d spent another two weeks contemplating his decision to let Francis go.

“I’m a fool.” He sighed as he laid on the bed.

“What have you done now?” Harry said looking over at James. He always seemed to be collected, knowing what he was doing at all times. So, to hear him call himself a fool was surprising.

“Oh, nothing.” James waved a hand in the air.

“I might be able to help.” James was his closest friend. He had been shocked when he accidentally found out what it was James did to get money. But he’d quickly come around to it. Who was he to judge?

“I sincerely doubt it.” James sat up to look at Harry’s kind face. How he’d come to be friends with someone like Harry, he’d never know. Harry was intelligent and so very kind. He believed the best in people and James appreciated him for it.

“Please.” He put a hand on James shoulder, smiling softly.

“I never told you about Francis, did I?”

“No, who is he?”

“He paid for my services. Several times.” Harry blushed, as much as he didn’t care what James did. He still felt like a child when it came to these things.

“Oh.” James let out a little laugh, Harry was truly too innocent for this world.

“But we only… did it once. And I’m not even sure it counts because he didn’t want me to touch him. I had to ask him, after he…” He stopped himself when he remembered who he was talking to.

“Anyway. He told me he loved me.” He looked out through the window. Harry looked at him, expecting him to say more. When he didn’t, he cleared his throat.

“So, what is the problem? Don’t you like him?” He was confused, wasn’t love something all of them wanted?

“I do like him… I think I love him.” James fell back down on the bed, covering his eyes with his arm. Harry sat quiet for a moment. Had he missed something.

“I’m sorry. I don’t understand. If he loves you and you love him. What is the problem.”

“I sent him away.” James groaned.

“You sent him away… Why?” Harry was looking at James, confusion clear on his face.

“Because I’m a fool. Because I didn’t believe him.” James took a deep breath.   
“Because I’m scared.”

“What are you scared of? Love can be intimidating, yes. But isn’t it worth it?” James sat up again, looking into Harry’s eyes.

“What if he only loves the idea of me, not the real me. Why would he? You know me. What about me is worth loving? I’m a bastard who puts on a dress to play pretend for others.” Harry took his hands in his.

“Surely you don’t believe that?”

“I honestly don’t know why you’re friends with me.” Harry had no idea that James felt this way. He’d always thought that he had confidence enough for two men at least. But we all have things that we hide, he supposes.

“I like you, you’re funny. You don’t mind me talking about things I find interesting. When most people would have walked away, you don’t. I’m sorry you feel like that.” He reached out and pulled James into a hug. James was stiff for a moment before he relaxed and hugged him back. They held each other for a while until James pulled away.

“Thank you.” He put his hand on Harry’s, patting it gently.

“So, are you going to tell him how you feel?” James bit his lip, thinking.

“What do I have to lose?” Except his dignity, his heart and a million other things that he’d been obsessing over these last two weeks. He stood up and went to his wardrobe, pulling out clothes. He changed quickly and turned to look at Harry.

“What do you think?” Harry looked him over, shaking his head.

“You know I have no eye for fashion.” James laughed and offered his arm to Harry.

“Walk me?” Harry smiled and hooked arms with James and they made their way out the door chatting happily about Harry’s latest nature findings.

Half an hour later James stood outside Francis’ home. He’d made discreet enquiries of Francis whereabouts, just in case. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door. He was surprised to see Francis himself open the door.

“James.” Francis eyes widened when he saw the man on his doorstep.

“Hello, Francis.” He pulled himself up to his full height. He needed to gather as much false confidence as possible.

“Come in.”

“Thank you.” James followed Francis through the door and stood awkwardly in the hallway.

“I need…”

“Who was it?” James was interrupted by a female voice coming from the room closest to them. The voice was soon followed by a beautiful young woman. James couldn’t help but stare at her as she smiled and stretched out her hand.

“This is James Fitzjames. James, this is Miss Sophia Cracroft.” James took her hand, kissing it lightly.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss Cracroft.” She laughed and put a hand on Francis arm. Too familiar. James regretted his decision to come here.

“Please, call me Sophia. Any friend of Francis is a friend of mine.” The petty part of James wanted to laugh in her face. Tell her about what Francis had done to him, and how it had affected them both. But another part of him was weeping. This must be his fiancée, surely. Why else would they be so familiar with each other? He knew it was a mistake. That Francis had been swept up in the moment. Confused about what they were doing. He had a beautiful woman at his side. What more could a man want?

“Why don’t you come sit down, do you want some tea?” Sophia said kindly, gesturing towards the drawing room.

“Please, join us.” Francis said. He had kept his eyes on James since he entered the house. What was he doing here? Had he changed his mind?

“Oh, thank you but… I can’t, I just came to tell Francis… Um… Oh how silly of me. I seem to have forgotten. Well no matter, I’ll let you get back to your day. Afternoon.” James quickly turned around and hastily made his way out the door before Francis had a chance to say anything.

“What on earth was all that about?” Francis looked at Sophia.

“I don’t know.” And he truly didn’t. He closed the door and they went back to the drawing room. Francis was deep in thought.

James walked through London with brisk steps. He knew it, he’d taken the risk and what did he have to show for it? Being confronted with Francis and his beautiful lady. A proper lady. Not a pretend one. He cursed the day he’d met Francis. How could he have let this happen? He’d been doing this for years, and he’d never fallen for any of the men that entered his bed. What was different with Francis? He wasn’t handsome by any modern standard. He was rough around the edges. But he’d shown James glimpses of something. He’d made him laugh, made him forget what he did for a living. If only for a moment. Oh, what does it matter now? It was never meant to be, and he’d known it from the beginning. That he’d entertained the notion from the beginning made him question his own sanity. He made his way back “home”, as close to a home as he would ever know. And if angry tears made its way down his cheeks as he got dressed that evening. Then so be it.

He looked around the room as usual, trying to find someone who would want to take him. He’d happily take anyone, let them do anything. Just so he could feel something else than heartbreak. But the universe seemed to be laughing at him. He watched in horror as Francis entered the room. Beckoning him to follow him. He couldn’t decline, the fuss it would cause was not worth it. Even if he had to pay with his emotions. He followed him out into the hallway and without a word he went up to his room. Not waiting to make sure that Francis was actually following him.

“Why did you come to see me today?” Francis asked as soon as the door closed behind them.

“Do you want me on the bed, against the wall or on the floor?” James asked, he would not engage with him. If he wanted to do anything with him it would be what he was here for. Not talking. They tried that and see where it had led them.

“James…”

“Bed, wall, floor?” James insisted, eyes glued to a spot on the wall in front of him.

“Please tell me…” Francis pleaded but James refused to waver.

“Bed. Wall. Floor.” He said through gritted teeth. Francis growled, his patience wearing thin.

“Wall.” James nodded and went to stand with his hands to the wall, forehead resting against it. If he could just get through this. Then he’d hopefully be free. He sucked in a breath in surprise when Francis roughly turned him around and pinned him to the wall by holding his arms in a steady grip.

“Why won’t you talk to me?” James once again refused to answer, if he angered Francis enough he might leave.

“If that’s the way you want it, then listen.” Francis kept his grip on James arms as he spoke in a low voice with a hint of anger in it.

“I was willing to let you go because you said that’s what you wanted. Despite my own feelings. But then you show up after two weeks, at my door. I thought that you had changed your mind. That you’d come to tell me. But then you ran out the door before we had time to exchange as much as two words. And now you refuse to speak to me. What do you want?” James began to struggle against Francis grip slightly. But Francis refused to budge. James’ face became hard as he sucked in a breath and said:

“Well I assumed the whole settling down together was off the table. Since you have a damn fiancée!” He hadn’t meant to shout that last part. Francis let go of James arms in surprise.

“My fiancée? You mean Sophia?” He stared at James in confusion.

“No, one of the other many women who were fawning over you when I went to see you.” James spat out, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Then Francis started to laugh. He dared to stand there and laugh. At him.

“I’m glad to see you laughing at me. Showing your true self.” He was furious now. Not only had Francis broken his heart, now he stood there laughing at his misfortune. Maybe he should be grateful that he didn’t actually mean his words to James. Why would he want to be with a man like that?

“I’m sorry. I’m just relieved.” Francis smiled with a crooked smile and went to caress James cheek. James ducked to avoid it. What on earth does he think he’s doing?

“Relieved?” Surely this was a nightmare.

“Sophia isn’t my fiancée. She’s just a close friend. I’ve known her since she was a child. I care about her. But not more than one would care for a niece.” He pleaded with his eyes for James to stop fighting.

“She’s not…” James looked away. Maybe this was a trick. To keep him.

“No. What I told you was the truth. I do love you. And I do want to have a life with you. Far away from London. Now, why did you come to see me.” Francis once again spoke with a low voice but now it was tender.

“I… I…” James choked on his words. Now or never.

“I love you too.” He felt Francis walking to stand face to face with him. Touching his cheeks. Smiling softly. He captured James’ lips with his own. Kissing him slowly, trying to pour all of his feelings into it. To make James feel loved. James in turn melted into the kiss, finally releasing all of the tension, doubt and fear.

“I’m sorry I caused this confusion. I was so surprised to see you on my doorstep. I didn’t think to clarify.” Francis said as they broke apart. His hands still holding James’ face, stroking his thumbs along his face lines.

“I shouldn’t have assumed.” James hesitated before he tucked his head into the crook of Francis neck.

“We both need to work on our communication, I suppose.” They both laughed softly. Holding each other close.


	2. Six months later

James sat reading a book at the kitchen table as Francis was cutting vegetables for their lunch. James looked up and admired him, he never could have dreamed that he would have a home with a man who loved him. He sometimes laid awake at night, afraid that if he went to sleep he would wake up to discover it had all been a dream. But Francis managed to be there every single morning and James had slowly begun to actually believe that it was reality. He wasn’t sure what he’d done to deserve this. 

Francis looked up from the cutting board and found James looking at him. He didn’t mind, he was the same when it came to James. He could simply look at him for hours, finding new things to admire. When he wasn’t being a bastard that is. James had very quickly discovered how to annoy him the most, on bad days he’d storm out of the house and take a walk around the lake. Or just down the path to the lake when he realised that this was exactly what James wanted. It always ended with them cuddled together in bed. He shook his head as he went back to his vegetables. 

“You could help me you know.” 

“Oh, but you’re doing such a good job. I’d hate to take that from you.” James put down his book and turned towards Francis.

“I want you to feel useful.” 

“Is that so? Am I not useful to you?” Francis raised one eyebrow, trying not to smile. 

“Hmm...” James hummed as stood up, walking slowly towards Francis. Embracing him from behind.

“I have to admit that you’re quite useful in the be…” He was interrupted by Francis sudden movement. He found himself pinned against the counter, Francis mouth on his. James tried to get himself up on the counter and was helped by Francis strong hands. As soon as he was satisfied with his position, he wrapped his legs around Francis, getting him as close as possible. They kissed for a few moments until Francis got down on his knees.

“Wait, wait. Francis. Pillow.” This wasn’t the first time they’d done this, and James hated to see Francis knees hurting afterwards. Not that Francis would ever admit it.

“I don’t need it.” Francis muttered under his breath as he went to fetch a pillow. He knew that James was right, and he loved him for it.

“There.” Francis said and knelt down on the pillow, finding a good position as he begun to unbutton James’ trousers. James lifted himself slightly off the counter to help Francis slide his trousers off. Francis began to slowly kiss his way up one of James’ inner thighs. He looked up at James before taking him into his mouth. James threw his head back, holding back his moan. 

“James…” Francis stopped what he was doing. James had gotten better at expressing his enjoyment but sometimes he tended to hold it all back by habit. 

“Sorry.” James really tried to let go, but this was the only thing he was used to being able to control in these situations. It was slightly embarrassing that Francis had to remind him to be vocal, but he was grateful for the subtle reminder. He wanted to be open with Francis. To share everything with him.

“Please…” He said and Francis nodded and got back to what he was doing. He moved his head slowly up and down, teasingly slow. 

“Francis.” James growled and Francis removed his mouth, replacing it with his hand and used his other to pull James’ face closer. He licked at his lips, slowly in time with his hand working on James’ cock. James opened his mouth, breathing heavily and Francis tightened his grip on his cock. Making James moan in a deep voice. 

“You are so beautiful.” Francis whispered in James’ ear, voice low and rumbling. 

“Francis, please. I need…” James didn’t need to say more. Francis moved his hand quicker and he felt James’ hands digging into his shoulders. He was close. 

“I want to see you release, James.” James groaned as he pulled away slightly to look into Francis eyes. That did it for him. He tried to force himself to keep them open but the pleasure running through him made him close his eyes as his hands gripped Francis’ arms hard. His hips bucking up as he rode it out. He breathed out heavily as it ebbed out, resting his head on Francis shoulder. Francis held him softly as he waited for him to come back.

“I love you.” James said in a raspy voice, lifting his head to look at Francis again. 

“I love you too.” Francis tucked a strand of James’ hair behind his ear and rubbed his thumbs over his cheekbones. They stayed silent for a moment, enjoying the silence of their home. No one to disturb them. Just them. James broke the stillness by taking Francis’ hand, sliding down from his position on the counter. He began to lead him towards the bedroom. 

“I think I said something about you being useful.” He teased, smiling back at Francis. 

“I think I just was.” Francis shot back, putting on a hurt tone. 

“Well, I can think of a way for us both to be useful.” He let go of Francis’ hand and entered the bedroom. Francis stood in the doorway looking at James. 

“Would you like me to dress up?” James asked softly. He’d learned that he actually liked putting on a dress. That it wasn’t all pretend. It helped that Francis loved and supported him whether he wore the dress or not. 

“Yes.” Francis turned around as he waited for James to get dressed. He never asked James to put it on. It was always James’ decision. But he always said yes when he asked him if he should. He knew that he didn’t bring it up if he didn’t want to wear it. He had begun to wear it whenever he wanted. And not just when they were having sex.

“I’m done.” Francis turned around and walked up to James. He kissed him and began to run his hands over the fine fabric.

“I want to keep it on.”

“Whatever you want, James.” James smiled and pulled Francis close to him as he kissed him again. 


	3. Epilogue

A year had passed since the first time they had said I love you to each other. They had settled into their new life and it felt like the most natural thing in the world. They had their friends over like any other couple, bickered like any other couple and comforted each other like any other couple. They were sitting by the fire in comfortable silence, holding hands and occasionally kissing. They were startled by a knock at the door.

“Are you expecting someone?” Francis looked at James with his eyebrows raised.

“No.” James said, sounding confused as he rose to open the door. He was met by Thomas Blanky and Harry Goodsir.

“What are you doing here?” James said in surprise.

“That’s quite a welcome, glad to know we’re appreciated.” Thomas said heartily as he went past James, into the hallway.

“I’m sorry, James. We didn’t mean to disturb you. We just wanted to congratulate you on your anniversary. We could leave again if you want to.” Harry smiled apologetically. James was touched, they’d come all this way because Francis and he had been together a year. He never could have imagined that anyone but them would ever acknowledge that.

“No, no. We were just surprised. We’re happy to have you.” James moved out of the way to let Harry pass.

“You really are a proper couple now.” Thomas chuckled.

“What do you mean?”

“You did just say that ‘ _we_ are happy to have you’. When Francis is nowhere to be seen.” James blushed as Francis’ came into the hallway.

“Ah, I thought I heard you. Are you teasing James’ again?” Francis looked at James with a smile.

“Just pointing out the obvious.” They hugged and begun to speak loudly about something only those two understood. James shook his head as he invited Harry to join him in the garden.

They spent hours laughing and talking, eating a wonderful dinner with dessert curtesy of Thomas and Harry.

It was nine in the evening when Thomas rose from his seat.

“I think it’s time for us to leave. Thank you for dinner.” He looked at Harry who had also stood up.

“Yes, thank you. And congratulations again.” He smiled

“No stay, we have room for you.” James said, it didn’t feel right to not invite their friends to stay.

“We don’t want to be in the way, it is your anniversary after all.” Thomas said with a wink. Harry hurried into the hallway to put on his coat. James almost burst out laughing at the sight, still innocent. He’d have to help him find someone soon.

“Of course. You are a true gentleman.” Francis stood up and hugged Thomas, slapping his hand on his back.  
“Do be careful with Harry.” Francis gave him a pointed look. James looked between them in surprise. What was that about?

“I’m always careful.” Thomas said as he made his way into the hallway. They all said their goodbyes and as the door closed, James turned to face Francis.

“What was that about being careful with Harry?”

“I can’t betray Thomas’ trust.” Francis teased.

“Harry is my friend and I deserve to know what’s going on.” James whined, he didn’t like being left out of gossip.

“Well, I think we won’t be the only couple soon enough.” James looked at him with shock. How did he miss it?

“I’m so stupid.” Francis laughed and put his arms around James.

“Well, I don’t mind. I still love you.” James slapped him gently on the arm.

“Is that any way to behave on our anniversary?” James responded by pushing him against the wall. Their faces close.

“Is this better?”

“Much.” Francis said roughly before kissing him.   
“Come here.” Francis pulled at James’ hand and led him into the bedroom.

“Happy anniversary.” James whispered before kissing Francis again.

“Happy anniversary.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we are. My first Au, and I think my longest fic ever. I was binge-watching Harlots like a month ago and suddenly I had an epiphany. James as a harlot! Hope you enjoyed it.


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